by Sally Schloss
In nature, no matter how
bizarre courtship behaviors or sex acts are (including the death of an
individual) they serve only one purpose: the production of offspring. Does the
method work? If the answer is yes, then exploding bee penises, the spearing of
a female bed bug’s stomach to get sperm into her bloodstream, and the eating of
a male praying mantis’s head, are keeper stratagems. (See my column, “Deadly
animal sex”).
I can only imagine the trials
and errors, the failed attempts that occurred along the way of getting it
right. “No, no, no, the bee penis explodes inside
the Queen’s body—not outside. Get me
another bee, this one’s dead.”
Here’s
where the canker gnaws . . .
As
fancy animals, humans complicate nature’s simple plans to make more of us. We
developed a unique and pesky attribute—consciousness. Instead of sex being
natural and delightful and something everyone can look forward to enjoying,
whether you’re the poorest serf or the richest ruler, human consciousness has gotten
in the way and wreaked havoc. Cultures
throughout the ages have warred against our bodies in an effort to cosset our
impulses and desires—the irony being that these cultures are our own creation.
Of course our irrepressible needs do tend to messily defy the powers that be.
We often resist the advice in our heads, from our parents, or rulers, and instead
follow our hearts or loins going completely out of control, compelled by the twin
peaks of our desires—lust and love.
In
our own time, the “just say no campaign” promoted to American youth, has as to
be expected, failed. Baby mammas are on the rise and in the last gasp of our
delusional sense of economic well-being, more babies were born in one year (2007)
than in any previous year in the U.S. It was the perfect alignment of the horn of plenty meets
the tunnel of love.
The
confusion, repression, the mores, the morals, the acting-out around sex, can
make your head spin—and the rules are different everywhere. Americans blame
their repressive attitudes about sex on the puritanical legacy of the pilgrims.
We have this myth that sex is much less contaminated with guilt, shoulds and
oughts, in non-European cultures. The truth is that it’s a mess everywhere and
that great sex has always been the thrilling secret of two individuals having
found something fabulous that works for them—a truth quite independent from
whether this produces offspring or not, or religious and cultural constraints.
Humans
are lucky. We get to feel and think about our deep pleasures, to recall and
explore them. Unlike the hapless juvenile dog learning to mount a female for
the first time and failing at it miserably, humans may begin in virginal
ignorance, but can, through practice, perfect their techniques, taking sex to
the next level; the art of making
love. In the larger animal kingdom, improving sexual skills so that both
partners have orgasms is not a consideration—another miracle of consciousness—the
same brain that invented the wheel, invented Tantric sex.
Okay,
so perhaps I’m stating the obvious. Let’s talk about where we get strange with
all this.
Cultural mores and madness
Who
knew that “In sixteenth century Europe it was
conventional for men to greet female guests by fondling their breasts—providing
they were related, of course.” (Quoted from the book by Karl Shaw, “5 People
Who Died During Sex”).
Victorians
prohibited men from taking the seat of a woman after she’d vacated it—for fear
of being aroused by the lingering warmth of her body. Then again the Victorians
also covered piano legs with cloth because they were considered to be too
suggestive. I swear. (Isn’t this fun?!)
Deadly human sex
Since
my current column is about “Deadly animal sex,” let’s talk about deadly human
sex. “5 People Who Died During Sex,” by Karl Shaw, is a book of lists about
strange, but true events, documenting the “tasteless” underbelly of human
behavior.
There’s
the 6th president of the FrenchRepublic, Felix Fauré, who, on February 16, 1899, died while seated on a sofa with his mistress on
her knees in front of him. She was reported to have trauma-induced lockjaw and
his member had to be surgically removed.
Nothing
can be more traumatic than being in bed with a partner and having them die on
you. In the case of Nelson Aldrich Rockefeller (1908-79), the grandson of the
oil magnate John D. Rockefeller, he pinned his unfortunate twenty-seven-year
old female research assistant under his considerable poundage, giving new
meaning to the term dead weight.
Still to come
In
my next blog, I will talk about the worldwide marital customs that will make
your hair curl—customs that are the legacies of ancient times, of religious
beliefs and our sexually-conscious brains.
